My Journey to Self-Love

Hello! Welcome to another blog on the theme of L-O-V-E.

Our next blogger is Erin Donovan. She describes herself as…

“… an E-RYT-500, certified meditation teacher, and certified health coach in NC. I love to share practical tools to help stressed-out people find balance, from the inside out.”

My Journey to Self-Love

Just because someone doesn't 'look' depressed, doesn't mean they're not. Some of us are just experts at hiding it.

In December 2019 I broke mentally. It was a very, very long time coming. A long time of 'I'm fine," until I woke up one morning and I wasn't, but I was ashamed to admit it.

I've been a yoga and meditation teacher since 1999, so I know what to do to help when stress begins to get overwhelming, but this was different. I had no control over it. No amount of Yoga, meditation, tapping, or praying was helping. I kept trying to push through it. 'I know all the tools to help', I told myself. 'I'll be fine in time', I kept telling myself.

Thank God my husband knew better. He saw the signs and saw me free-falling into the dark hole. He grabbed me by the hand & we had a very hard, honest conversation. That was the first huge step towards healing.

Depression is a sneaky interloper. I didn't think it would happen to me, but it did. I realize now it had been slowly building for years. I just didn't realize it. I kept telling myself I'd be fine, but I wasn't. I was ashamed because I teach others how to love and help themselves, but I couldn't help myself. I have realized that depression clings to shame like a cloak.

Despite all the talk around mental health in recent years, when you are suffering from it, you can feel so lonely, ashamed, or embarrassed. You think “what's wrong with me?” The truth is, there's nothing wrong with you. A biochemical problem in the brain is no different than any other uncontrollable health issue. We would never look at a type 1 diabetic and think “what's wrong with you?” However, when you're in the midst of suffering, you can't always view it that logically. This journey has taught me so much.

Here are some of the lessons I have learned.

I make self-love my first priority every single day. I have learned that the best way for me to let go of the fear and shame is by talking about it. For me, it takes away the power of the negative voice.

It's okay to not be okay. No matter who you are, it's okay. Shame will lie to you. Depression will lie to you. Guilt will lie to you. Don't believe it. A very helpful tool that I began to practice for self-love and acceptance, I learned from Louise Hay. She recommended to look at yourself in the mirror every day and look into your eyes and say "I love you." It sounds simple, but it is profound and incredibly healing.

Talk to someone you trust. Be honest. There is so much help available for you. You don't need to suffer in silence. You can take off the fake mask of “I'm fine.”

You are worth it. I know it feels hopeless, but it's not. You will see light again. Is it hard? Yes. Is it worth it? Absolutely! YOU are worth it. That is what I am certain of.

Lesley Fightmaster in meditation.